RIP, Love

2:30 PM

Hi all!

I know I haven't updated this blog for a long time. So many things have passed, and I've been so grateful with my life. My work life was good, my family condition was getting better, my friendship was as great as ever.

It was all too good, until I realized the table was turned. Life is balance after all..

Yes, my Dad passed away last October. On the 3rd of October to be exact. I just feel like I need to make a dedication post for him, so here it is.

It was all of a sudden. He was completely fine in the morning, had a heart attack in the afternoon, and died in the evening.

Mom was there the whole time. He didn't work (he stopped working back in 2013, because his heart problem was getting worse), so he and Mom spent the whole time together.

It was so unpredictable, we got no clues at all.

As we all know, death is inevitable. Predictably unpredictable.

I never been on a grief before this, I never *really* lost anyone. To be honest, I always thought I might be the one that die first in my family.. Not sure why. It was a shock when it's actually my Dad that was taken first.

I've seen him in his worst place, when his sickness was taking control over his body back in 2013. He couldn't do anything but just lying in bed. Breathing was a hard work for him.

But these past months was such great progress of him. He was back in his healthy body, just like any normal person. That's why this lost is such great shock for my family, it was so out of our mind.

The first time I heard the announcement of his death, I didn't know what to do...

I felt heart broken, for sure. But I saw my Mom was in such great pain that I thought I would be so selfish if I cried my eyes out. I should be strong for Mom. Things should be done. Let her mourn for Dad, I'd do the hard work here..

It's been around 50 days after he died, and not even once I showed my tears to anyone.

Did I cry? I did. I cried when people were not around. I cried at the back at the seat, I cried under my blanket next to Mom, I cried when I was alone.

I always been the worst at showing my emotions, but this with that, I got no experience... I don't know which one's right or wrong.

But I do have some reasons behind why I don't cry and try to act tough beside that. This is so hard to explain, but somehow I feel like it's perfectly reasonable if he went away at this time..

After all things that have happened in our family, to my Mom especially, I feel like it's the right thing if he die. Is that sound harsh? I don't know. That's just how I feel.

I also feel like one of the thing that kept me from living my life my own way is him. So now after he's gone, I can explore the world I want. I can live the life how I wanted to be. I can sail my own sea.

I guess it's true when they say, "it's not an end, it's a beginning of something new."

So here it is.. Maybe this is just the way I get over my grief, or maybe I'm just suck as a human being, but this is what I've been feeling lately.

For my Dad:
It's time for you to Rest in Peace. Please worry nothing, I'll handle everything from now on. Whatever had happened, it's in the past now.. We should not be focusing on that. Bye, love. Once more: Rest in Peace.

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